I have always been a horrible decision maker. This has never been because I was apathetic or because I don't have an opinion. In fact, it is generally the opposite. I care deeply about the things that happen in my life and am constantly aware of how certain decisions have the ability to absolutely define the direction of one's life. I believe I have always been a horrible decision maker because I fully realize the concept of opportunity cost: the insistent fact that by making a single choice many other great options are no longer available.
Strangely, I realized this recently when I was playing around on Instagram recently. I say "play" because I was originally sitting down to write and catch up on email. I went to a beautiful local library and sat down in front of an immense wall of windows that overlooked the south end of Fayetteville. A huge swath of rolling Ozark hills acted as a counterpoint to the angles of the town and a beautifully intense blue sky acted as the backdrop. The light from outside fell in such an interesting way and framed by a window sat a fern with branches that resembled the plumage of a peacock.
There was nothing to do but put off work and take a picture. I snapped it without too much thought and went to edit it quickly before sending it off onto the world wide web and settling back in tot the rest of my day. For those of you not familiar with Instagram there is an option that allows users to "focus" on a certain subject by blurring the other portions of the image out. But while editing the picture I had to pause: What did I want to focus on? Would it be the intricate fern in front of me? The patterns the light made on the floor? One particular building in front of me? The hills kissing the horizon? So I tried one option, and then another, and then another… When I focused on the plant, some of the beauty of the horizon in front of me was lost. When I focused on the town, the beautiful patterns of light turned into a shapeless blob.
15 minutes later as I realized that my lack of decision had taken the whole concept of "instant" out of Instagram, it came to me: This is exactly how I live my life. I have always been afraid to commit to one option because I can see the beauty in all the others.
This has been especially relevant as of late in that I have been offered so many opportunities that are so great I would have hardly admitted to even dreaming of them. No I haven't secured a book deal and no I didn't sign a milling contract while in New York. (Ha.) But I'm working harder than I feel like I ever have before. I am doing things that I love and am blessed that people seem to like it so much that they keep asking for more. And suddenly opportunity cost comes into play: By saying yes, to one opportunity I am unable to say yes to another. That forces me to look at my larger goals and really tackle the "What do I want to be when I grow up?" question, which, in turn, means that there are even more opportunity cost issues with which I must deal.
And I feel like I am "gragging" ("gragging" being the made up word that happens when one combines "griping" and "bragging").
"Must be hard to have such an awesome dilemma! This chick is griping about having too much creative work in an economy that is, by most definitions, 'struggling'. What a brat."
I can imagine hearing those exact words coming out of my own mouth if I had read them on someone else's blog even six months ago.
So I apologize for the grag, but I don't apologize for the sentiment: By saying "yes" to one thing, one must say "no" to others. I don't like saying no. I want the whole picture to be sharp so that I can focus on what most interests me from one moment to the next.