I wrote this post earlier in the week while I was feeling super discouraged and frustrated about my lack of productivity. Funny thing: Once I wrote it I almost immediately shook off the un-productivity and got to work. I'm sharing in an effort to be real and to let people who are in a slump (blogging or otherwise) know that it's usually a passing thing.
Warning: I am currently super frustrated at myself so this post is likely to come off as whiny and potentially irritating. While I don't apologize for the genuine tone, I'd hate for any unsuspecting reader to stumble into this post looking for sunshine and only get my personal (and hopefully temporary) rainclouds.
It's no big revelation that there's a difference between wanting something and doing it.
I could want to be the next Nora Ephron all day but until I actually start typing out words there is no chance that it will happen. I could want to take the most gorgeous pictures ever but unless the camera comes out of that horrid little camera bag, awesome images won't magically happen. It goes without saying, that it takes more than knowing how to type to be a writer and bringing the camera out to be a photographer (let a lone a good one) but those initial steps are necessary.
And lately, more often than not, these initial steps havn't been happening with me.
Before the move I was frustrated. I felt stuck in a place where I had limited creative options/ opportunities; where my status quo revolved around a scholastic degree I actively questioned and, at times, seriously disliked. The thought of being in this new, more exciting place seemed to be the answer to all my previous conundrums: More culture, other creative-types to work with, potential opportunity in every interaction, and a mall five minutes away... just in case I decided I needed to go shopping and didn't want it to be a 150 mile round trip.
And there are all these positive things: Just in the past week, I've had offers to work with two sets of local women on two different yet wildly exciting projects. If I had any kind of throwing arm I could chunk a rock through the receiving door of the nearest set of shops and can be at one of the nation's premiere museums of American art within 15 minutes of leaving my driveway. I work with respected photographers and have a schedule that allows me to participate in any creative venture I choose.
But there's so much I didn't account for.
Those shops (and the 20 around it) can be a huge distraction.
Those projects could be great... but that doesn't stop me from being frightened by thinking of all the ways they could go wrong.
Just because I could be at a great art museum doesn't mean I am.
Just because I have the time to be creative doesn't mean I actually do.
Is it my inability to handle distraction?
Is it the lack of structure or schedule?
Is it a lack of ambition, drive, motivation?
Or is it simply the presence of fear? Is it that I am paralyzed by the fact that I now have the opportunity to go out and conquer the world of my choosing but am intimidated by the immensity of it all and the lack of a strict blueprint to show me where I need to go?
I am truthfully not sure but I do realize there is a major disconnect in my "wanting" and my "doing"... and it is pissing me off.
Only loosely related:
I just read this author interview and though I have no clue who she is I totally get her idea of"headspace"... and neurotic childhood journaling.